Running for my future

I’ve always known that running is good for my mental health. When I was younger, it used to be my escape. I felt really disconnected from life/ social norms, I didn’t really fit in and home life was hard. Whether I was doing sprints over and over again, or just running laps, it was a mental place where no matter what was going on in my life, it didn’t matter. I just had to put one foot in front of the other and keep running.

When I say escape by the way, I mean in both a good and bad way. Good as in I was free to be whoever I wanted to be and it was a healthy habit and distraction. But bad in a way that I dealt with everything internally. I didn’t learn how to communicate with people so when I stopped running/ doing sports, I suddenly had no outlet. By running and dealing with the emotion, I was keeping the energy moving and now suddenly the emotion and energy was static and I had no release. This feeling stayed with me for over 15 years and it took it’s tole! I took up so many bad habits that sport was no longer even an option.

Then when I was 30, I decided that I really wanted to start running properly again. By this time, I had done (many) years of self work and I was in a completely different space. What running had become to me had completely changed. I hadn’t actually realised the change until I was listening to a clip from Cassia Tierney Clarke’s ‘9 Lives’ podcasts (I’ll link it below because it’s amazing) and it really made me think about what running means to me now. As an adult it’s no longer an escape, it’s actually the opposite. Here’s what I mean.

In the clip she said ‘there’s a really big correlation between people who have experienced trauma and getting into endurance sport and I think a lot of it is tied to that feeling of overcoming and the feeling of proving to yourself that you are made of iron’. I can’t tell you the amount of times I’ve cried when running. Literally running along with tears rolling down my face sobbing my heart out and it feeling so good! Those tears are tears of joy, tears of pride, tears of knowing that I can overcome anything I put my mind too. Because even just one more minute than I said I would is a huge accomplishment to me. 2 years ago, I would have even started and now I’m hitting goals and surpassing them! If I can’t be proud of that the what’s the point!

To have the strength to speak to myself and say you’ve got this, don’t give up, keep going, feels incredible (I’m actually getting emotional writing). Don’t get me wrong, not all days are like that. There are of course days when negative thoughts creep in and some days you’re just not going to win the battle. And I don’t mind those days because then on the days when I do, it feels even sweeter. But to finally feel so in control of my mind that I can be honest with myself and not let it bring me down enough to make me give up completely is so overwhelming and empowering all at the same time.

Now that it’s part of my life again, it truly feels that for all those years it was missing from my life, I was missing part of my soul and part of who I am. I don’t think I’ll ever give up running again. Every time I put on my trainers, it feels like I’m running for my future. A future I never thought I’d reach.

Image by Jake Baggaley – Instagram @jakebaggaley.photographer