Day 53

What a difference a year makes.

I used to always wonder about this sentence when I heard it. Like really, how much of your life can really change in 12 months? 

Turns out quite a bit!

Today marks 12 months since I decided that something needed to change. I had always been so scared of the ‘what if’ but it had now turned into a fear of ‘what if I don’t’. That fear was so bad that it was taking a physical toll and I knew I needed to take action.

At the time, there was no time limit on anything and I had no idea what I was doing, I just knew that I wasn’t happy and I needed to take action. 

The thing that I thought (now know) was holding me back the most was alcohol. But here’s the honest truth. I lasted until lunchtime when someone came for lunch with a bottle of wine (they didn’t know I was going sober at this point), and rather than saying no, I said ‘why not’. I was so disappointed with myself for crumbling so quickly that after that, something in my head switched. 

That one choice created a domino effect that I could never have imagined possible.

As someone who wasn’t addicted to alcohol it was so much harder than I thought it would be. Don’t get me wrong, I knew that it was going to be hard. Every decision and change that I made was hard. But the fear of letting my life continue on in the way it was going scared me so much more. 

And I’m glad it was hard. Because it showed me that I can do hard things. 

I then started going to the gym. Because I was nervous and no longer had the excuse of ‘I can’t because I’ve had a drink’, I was going at 8.30pm. No matter what, three times a week I was there. Even on the nights I really didn’t want to go, I would peel myself off the sofa. 

That then taught me how disciplined I could be. 

So in the August, after 15 years, I gave up smoking. I had tried to give up smoking more times than I could recall. This time was different. I had already proven to myself that I was so much more in control than I realised every other time I had tried before. I didn’t count the days because I thought doing so would make me think of smoking more. I couldn’t even tell you the day that I quit. 

That showed me how much inner strength I have.

In the October, I went on to complete my first ever trail race. It was 10km and the longest I had run in a VERY long time. I had set myself a time that I would have loved to have finished in but I would have been so proud of myself either way because the woman six months prior wouldn’t have even tried. One km from the end, I was working out the time in my head and I realised that if I carried on the pace I was going, I was going to just miss out on that goal by less than a minute. I couldn’t allow that to happen without at least giving it a go. So I picked up the pace and I did it.

That made me realise how far just a little bit of extra effort will take you. Yes sometimes things don’t go to plan. But it’s about the effort. It’s about showing up for myself.

Before all of this, fear was the main thing holding me back. I would think of doing something and instantly stop because my mind would think of what the worst possible outcome would be or find an excuse to not even try. Now, fear is what excites me. Because instead, I see what the possibilities are that are waiting for me. I honestly believe that I am truly capable of anything I put my mind to. 

It’s funny how one action, can have the greatest impact on your entire life. And to everyone else, it just looks like another day.