Day 80

For the first time in a long time today, I looked in the mirror at the gym and I was actually happy with the woman back at me. 

Last September, I really wanted to go all in so decided to go back to the gym. A place that I have never been consistent with because of insecurities. I never knew what I was really doing, everyone looked like they belonged there and I felt like I didn’t, just the amount of noise in a gym was really hard for me to manage.

But I wanted to change my life and knew this was one way I could do so. So I committed like you’d never believe. 

I was drinking or smoking at this point so to help ease my anxiety, I would go at 8.30/9pm. There were far less people there so it was much quieter and there wasn’t so much equipment being used so I could follow my programme a bit easier. 

However, I wasn’t seeing much progress in my what I looked like. Yes I was getting stronger which was really important but I used to have a really slim and athletic frame and the extra weight I was carrying was really getting to me. 

I’ll be honest, it did matter that I didn’t have abs. Because for such a long time I did and for me, the only reason I didn’t right now was because I had stopped making the effort. So yes it was about aesthetics. Because the aesthetics was a physical reminder that I had gotten lazy and given up on myself in life. 

The extra weight also didn’t help with my running. Just to be clear, I was only around 65kg. But when you’re used to be 50/55, that’s a hefty amount of weight I wasn’t used to. 

And it’s so frustrating. I was eating cleaner than I ever had done before, I wasn’t drinking alcohol or smoking and yet, it felt like I was going backwards. 

But today, something changed. I saw those tiny abs peaking through and it felt like a little sign telling me to not give up. That my effort was going to be worth it. I just needed a little patience. 

Today I saw a woman who wasn’t ready to give up on herself and it was starting to show.